How to submit an application for an Academic Job and Also Summon the Ancient Mesopotamian Demon Pazuzu

by Ross Bullen

Keep an eye out for job postings when you look at the usual places: the Chronicle of advanced schooling, faculty listservs, and esoteric manuscripts hidden when you look at the Vatican library. Pay particular attention to jobs located nearby the Tigris and Euphrates rivers into the Fertile Crescent region. Job ads printed in Sumerian cuneiform is going in the “definitely apply” pile. Same is true of any job that offers to pay for you in livestock, grain, or small golden trinkets. If you’re not sure if a job suits you, try staring into a broken mirror and saying the name associated with school 666 times. If the mirror begins to bleed, you’re definitely regarding the track that is right.

outline major scholastic achievements, in reverse chronological order, recorded in the blood of a ram that is newly-slaughtered

position the finished document in an envelope, and then place the envelope in a 3,000-year-old Babylonian urn, which you should bury underneath the search committee chair’s office

be sure to include graduate transcripts, an academic writing sample, and a mummified goat fetus to make the application really be noticed

List all the goods that are worldlygrain reserves, coin hoards, first-born children) you will be happy to sacrifice to get this job. Two pages, single-spaced, maximum. Address the letter “To whom it would likely concern,” throw it into the Dead Sea, and get ready to play the waiting game.

Get up every and check the Academic Jobs Wiki morning. Then check to see in case the bathtub is full of blood. In case it is, congratulations! What this means is the Mesopotamian demon Pazuzu has accepted your offer. Utilizing the Babylonian urn you buried beneath the chair’s office as a portal from the netherworld to the plane of existence, he’s got infiltrated the campus, and possessed the search committee chair. Later that day, you will watch seven crows fall through the sky and land in a perfect circle, that will be an indication that you have now been offered a job interview (you will even receive an email about it). Okay, it is time for you get excited! Pack your bags! (With a crucifix that is large several copper daggers!)

Sit back with all the search committee.

Remember: they’re nervous too. The search chair seems especially distressed — head rotating 360°, vomiting bile, cursing in an dialect that is unknown. This could be caused by either demonic possession or a rejected sabbatical application. You need to be sure. Show the chair the crucifix that is large copper daggers you brought with you. If he takes one of the daggers and carves the expressed words“Publish Or Perish” into his torso, you’ll understand that Pazuzu is certainly going to force the rest of the committee to employ you. If he attempts to stab you utilizing the dagger, he may need more persuading. Try brandishing the crucifix and yelling, “The power of Christ compels you!” ( NOTE : if it is a school that is secular yelling something in regards to buy an essay the power of innovation instead). At this time, Pazuzu will either help you to get the task or disappear forever in a cloud of sulfurous black smoke. Regardless, you need to thank the committee with regards to their time, go home, and wait for working job offer/writ of excommunication to reach in your inbox.

You’ll have 5 years to create a book, a dozen journal articles, teach four classes per semester, and lay on an endless procession of committees, all while attempting to pay your student loans off and keep the illusion of a personal life. Sorry, but even an ancient demon like Pazuzu has limits to his powers. We suggest searching for a source that is truly malevolent of instead, like Baphomet, Beelzebub, or — if things get really desperate — the university president’s office.